June 29, 2011
I don’t know how many days it has been. I don’t want to count them. It gets me depressed to think that you left me. I can’t imagine this life—this life without you. I can’t even imagine that we are now emotionally detached. Yes, we are friends. But this is not what I want. We are not the way we were before. It kills me to think about that. It kills me to think you are in love with someone else. I cannot blame you for that.
I miss the times that we were happy together. I miss the way we were. I miss you, in general. I miss you, the whole of you, the totality of you; I realized that life without you is like an empty room. Blank. Empty. Spaced. I realized that I need you, not because I need something from you, but because I love you. I love you so much.
I cannot blame you for loving someone else right now. I cannot. I blame myself for not seeing and listening and feeling the things you need and want. I am such a fool. For loving you so much, I can call myself like that. And after so many things that’s said and done, I still love you. People said I am foolish. I am a fool for loving someone like you.
It doesn’t help crying. It doesn’t help moving on. Because every time I try, I get hurt. All I can do right now is to do the things I have to do for my life. At the same time, I can love you and adore you without showing you. I’ll continue to write letters meant to be ‘unsent’. Maybe they’re meant to be like that. These letters will be proof of a distant love you left. Someday, I know you’ll read these letters. Maybe in time, you’ll know what I’ve been going through.
I still have hope. I still have faith. Yet, I don’t have the courage to make it happen. I feel that this isn’t the right time. I pray to God to make me strong. As they say, good things come for those who wait. I will make it through.
Someday, something will happen. I just hope it will be you and I, again.
I don’t know if I can wait too long. Seeing and feeling that you are now distant from me hurts. Still, after all these feelings, I will continue to love you. I don’t know until when. I just know that I want to love you forever. Maybe, I will. Maybe.
I will hold on to this feeling. I will. Even if this hurts. Even if it tears me inside. Even if you don’t return. It is because, like that Incubus song, without love I won’t survive. Yes, love hurts. Holding on to this distant love hurts, but this keeps me going on. This keeps me alive. You and the idea of loving you, keeps me alive.
I want to keep these eyes dry for you, even though it is hard to hide these tears. I want to be strong. I want to hold on.
I love you, more than I can say.