April 4, 2011
(This was scribbled on a notebook.)
It’s been a week now since that day.
I’ve been doing a lot lately, trying to distract myself from thinking about him. I know we need this time, to give each other space. We have to know ourselves better so we can love each other the best. I’ve been doing fine, except that I can’t keep myself from missing him.
Remembering that day hurts me more than I can bear. What hurts the most is that I am the reason why we have to take it a break. My immaturity took the toll in our relationship. He said I was selfish. I was proud. I was too much for him to handle, so no matter how much we love each other, we have to let go. He said it would be a while. He said I would have to change.
And so now, I am here miles away from home, in the cold mountains, I am thinking of him. I miss him. I think of what he’s been doing and how it is now. I wonder if he thinks of me too, or if I am already a blur to him. I am tempted to talk to him or to leave him a message, but I ought not to. I am trying to prove that I can be strong, because he wants me to be. But the more I think about it, the more I get paranoid about waiting for him to return. I don’t like to wait. I have been traumatized by the last relationship that I have been, wherein I waited for nothing. This time, I’m starting to lose hop for him to come back to me. I am also afraid that he will eventually decide to not continue the relationship and the love we had for more than two years. These worries keep me from hanging on. Despite that, I know I have to wait. I have to be strong. And I have to change for the better.
It hurts now to think that I have to keep these emotions. I am not able to express what I would want to say to him because I feel like I don’t have the right. I just pray and let God guide me in finding what is right and in easing the pain. I just hope that one day, it will all be better.
The next couple of months won’t be easy. I do not know what the future may bring. All I know is that I’ll be thinking of him always.
I miss him. I love him so much, and I am willing to wait.