where is it?

 

 

Where is my strength? I am living in a lie.  A big one.  And this big lie covers all lies.  I thought I am happy, because I am trying to be.  But I am feeling empty.  I am all alone.

 

Where is my strength?  It was drained by all the dreams I made.  And I am living in a lie.  I am living in hopes and dreams that won’t even come true.  I kept thinking.  Imagining.  Daydreaming.  Hoping.  I can’t do anything about it.  Because I am living in a lie.

 

I was hurt, and I am, and I continue to be.  I try to repress.  I try to divert the pain into joy.  But it brought even more.  And it became even worse. Sorrow gets through. I can’t do this on my own.

 

I have no one.  I am finding my peace.  My family’s not here, and I want finding my salvation to others.  I have loved.  He was there, but he threw away my salvation when I needed it the most.  Love is my salvation.  I am seeking love from anyone.  Some people have loved me but it never lasted.  Once again, I am on my own.

 

Where is my strength?  I am crying alone, and have no one to talk to.  I have nobody else to lean on.  And this depression’s killing me. The sadness takes me away.  But the good thing about sadness is that it wakes me up from my dreams, telling me that reality is bitter; that life is bitter than I thought.  It is.  I have woken up, in the real world, where you can feel that you’re an island.  Nobody’s an island, but I am.

 

I am trying to be happy.  I am desperate to be one. So, sometimes, I pretend that I am in a state of happiness.  I am living in a lie.  I am living a pretentious life.  I am trying to hold on to the dreams that I have because we are taught to keep them.  We are all taught that dreams are inspirations.  Damn it! Why am I still holding on?

 

My love ones are happy and I am satisfied to learn that.  That is enough to make me glad.  You. I am happy for you, but I am not happy by myself.  I don’t think of myself.  I think of you.  You are the most important thing.  You.

 

I am on my own, seeking the strength, finding the remaining hope that’s left.  I am living in a lie.  Pretentious and unreal.

 

Published by: nuthin2say

This is the blog of a person who has been won, defeated, won again.. Because life is just like that. Jamie, aka nuthin2say, is a pseudonym. She can be found in other places in the internet, using the online name jhamiefloatie. Her thoughts spewed words that created this blog. This contained her frustrations and victories towards her journey through life. This blog was born circa 2008. Most of the posts are from her teenage years.

Categories Online Diaries and F*cked Up Life Stories1 Comment

One thought on “where is it?”

  1. don’t despair. you’re never alone. i can’t tell what your prayer life is like but just pray…one form of prayer is complete silence – clear your head of everything and everyone around you…this brings about peace and you also give God a chance to talk TO YOU. have you heard the song “footprints in the sand”? you remind me of the song’s author…

    God bless you.

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