Nawawalan na ako ng loob.  Ng pag-asa. Parang ayoko nang lumaban. Kasi alam ko nang matatalo ako.  Para na akong masisiraan ng baet.  Na konti na lang ay magkakaroon na ako ng tililing. Lahat ng problema ay lumalala dahil sa kapapabayaan ko. Ako ang may kasalanan. Alam ko na may kapalit.

 Wala na akong pakialam.  Kung sira na ako ngayon, itotodo ko na.  Hindi na ako nag-iisip sa mga desisyon ko.  Kailan lang, nagdesisyon akong makipagkalas sa kaibigan ko. Iba na ako ngayon. Suave na.

Nararamdaman kong malapit na akong umalis.  Wala na nga akong pakialam. Mawawala rin naman na ako. Bigla.

I saw him leaving my room, smiling, perhaps feeling joy or contentment.  He rushed out, although he was not in a hurry.  In a blink of an eye, he was gone.  I half-ran towards my room, and as I saw my reflection on the mirror, I can still smell his hair down there.  It reminds me of what we have done, and how he looked like moaning in passion.  I closed my eyes, remembering every detail of our passionate encounter that day, and I will continue to daydream the same memory, ’til I got over that.  I wondered if he really liked it, or maybe he was faking.  I am always ready to give it up to him, although I know it is hard to invest feelings towards somebody. Then, I started wondering if he is feeling the way I felt.  Or maybe he just wanted to get laid? But why would he have to come to me to share his sensuality? With all those cold nights, why would he come to me? I can feel him, we are melting together in heat, our breath shared in the same kiss, and our bodies intertwine. His skin pressed against mine and I am licking his lips and I don’t mind. Now, do not say he doesn’t feel the same as I do.  Because that could burn my heart.

With my feelings heightening and my heart pumping out of my chest, I started to talk to myself in the mirror.

“Yes, I am a whore, who is in love with the same man for years now. He is my only client.”

Yes! I am LAZY! But I’m the LAZIEST BUM in the whole world!”

[whatever. ;)]

052409-2220.  I just went through my old files and found out one of our conversations just before he met her.  And I don’t know how I felt after.  Those were the days. We were okay, then.  We talked a lot.  Before, we can talk, and still smile and laugh, and it was as if nothing happened.  It was as if nothing broken.  I can say that we really accepted US being friends.  And it felt that we have the urges to talk to each other after everything that has happened.  It felt that there will still be tomorrow, and we just have to wait.  It felt that the thing we have on each other never faded.

That was before.

Everything ended after he met her.  I guess I was left behind.  He moved on that easily.  And I had to, too.  She was always there.  She’s just couple of kilometers from where he is.  I was never near him.  And I guess that was the reason why he forgot me that easily.

I already moved on.  I also got my own.    But after reading our converation, I was thinking that what we had on us was wasted.  We should have developed it, but instead we didn’t.  Everything’s over now. We seldom communicate.  And there’s a feeling of hostility now everytime I talk to him.  And I know deep inside him, he was to get me out of the picture.  NEVER TO BOTHER HIM AGAIN.  I know it.  I can feel it. And she tells me that.

I don’t know why I’m feeling distraught. All I’m asking is to be friends.  I’m not asking him to give back his life to me again.  That’s shit.

Okay, we can pretend that we never met. But please do me a favor.  Don’t lose her.  Thank you very much.

Give me a minute
I need a second
Got to breathe there
It’s Just one of those things

wish I could tell you
How much I need you
And how much you
need me to go

Please don’t listen
to what I’m gonna tell you
Look in my eyes and know
I simply had to give up
But I didn’t let go without struggle
you know, I still love you
It’s just, just one of those things

I know I made it seem
Like all was written down
And I hid all my pain
And now I bring it out

And you’ll be scared at first
cuz it’s such an ugly blow
I don’t know which is worse
to learn or not to know

Please don’t listen
to what I’m gonna tell you
Look in my eyes and know
I simply had to give up
But I didn’t let go without struggle
you know, I still love you
It’s just, just one of those things

Please don’t listen
to what I’m gonna tell you
Look in my eyes and know
I simply had to give up
But I didn’t let go without struggle
you know, I still love you
It’s just, it’s just one of those things

I tried to tell you a million times
That you have always been one of us
I tried to tell you a million times
You have always been one of us

Please don’t listen
(I tried to tell you a million times
That you have always been one of us)
Please don’t listen
(I tried to tell you a million times
That you have always been one of us)
Please don’t listen….
Just One of Those Things – Meg and Dia

He is life and I am soul.
He is the wind. I am the blow.
He is the sun. I am the moon.
if he is the moon, then I am the stars.
He is the Light.  I am the shadow.
He is the glade.  I am the meadow.
He is the question. I am the reason..
If he is the gift, then I am his ribbon.
He is the sword.  I am the shield.
He is the Great Wall.  I am its build.
If I am the carpet, he is the floor;
Then we will be the WELCOME at your door.
If he’s not, I’ll sat no.
If it’s yes, then I’ll say so.
If he is the groom and I am the bride,
Then forever, we’ll be side-by-side.

Ball of light
Struck by lightning
Quench your thirst
It must be something

Tears of joy
Sweating palms
Kiss the cheeks
There must be really something

Gray turned into color
Love can make you see it all
It make sense into the nonsense
From nothing into something.

When I met him, it wasn’t the start. I wasn’t even looking at his eyes.  I never thought he’d the guy who would give me the butterflies.  The second time was sweeter, and after that, we went on knowing each other.  Then I started looking at things the other way around.  I realized that in him, love can be found..

In him. In his arms. In between our sweaty palms. I found. Life.

 It was like a patch of dreams
I slowly stare
Across the moonlit flare
I sat down, to watch by the curtains, open wide
I sat down, to watch the twinkling still
Just beside the window sill
This dark night is the darkest
I’m amazed at its fullest!
O dark night…
Against all the city lights
You are my very sight.

My sword
My shield
My most valued possesion
Its ink is my blood
Flowing through paper
My voice. My wit,
Drawn precisely on that sheet.
I have no fear whenever it is with me
It’s powerful than you could ever foresee
This weapon is always with me
Bought at SM City.