Nawawalan na ako ng loob.  Ng pag-asa. Parang ayoko nang lumaban. Kasi alam ko nang matatalo ako.  Para na akong masisiraan ng baet.  Na konti na lang ay magkakaroon na ako ng tililing. Lahat ng problema ay lumalala dahil sa kapapabayaan ko. Ako ang may kasalanan. Alam ko na may kapalit.

 Wala na akong pakialam.  Kung sira na ako ngayon, itotodo ko na.  Hindi na ako nag-iisip sa mga desisyon ko.  Kailan lang, nagdesisyon akong makipagkalas sa kaibigan ko. Iba na ako ngayon. Suave na.

Nararamdaman kong malapit na akong umalis.  Wala na nga akong pakialam. Mawawala rin naman na ako. Bigla.

052409-2220.  I just went through my old files and found out one of our conversations just before he met her.  And I don’t know how I felt after.  Those were the days. We were okay, then.  We talked a lot.  Before, we can talk, and still smile and laugh, and it was as if nothing happened.  It was as if nothing broken.  I can say that we really accepted US being friends.  And it felt that we have the urges to talk to each other after everything that has happened.  It felt that there will still be tomorrow, and we just have to wait.  It felt that the thing we have on each other never faded.

That was before.

Everything ended after he met her.  I guess I was left behind.  He moved on that easily.  And I had to, too.  She was always there.  She’s just couple of kilometers from where he is.  I was never near him.  And I guess that was the reason why he forgot me that easily.

I already moved on.  I also got my own.    But after reading our converation, I was thinking that what we had on us was wasted.  We should have developed it, but instead we didn’t.  Everything’s over now. We seldom communicate.  And there’s a feeling of hostility now everytime I talk to him.  And I know deep inside him, he was to get me out of the picture.  NEVER TO BOTHER HIM AGAIN.  I know it.  I can feel it. And she tells me that.

I don’t know why I’m feeling distraught. All I’m asking is to be friends.  I’m not asking him to give back his life to me again.  That’s shit.

Okay, we can pretend that we never met. But please do me a favor.  Don’t lose her.  Thank you very much.

It was Sunday. We woke in the morning.  The morning was bright, and so does the room I slept in.  It was bright, unlike my own room.  I moved to cuddle the thin pillow that I used as an alternative for a blanket.  I saw my friend and she was already awake.

After a few conversations and lots of laughters, we heard noise from the other room.

The boys must be awake, I thought.  And because of that, a picture came onto my head.

We just came from the gig and after munching pizzas and laughing-so-hard-that we-were-heard-from-a-mile-apart, we decided to take a rest at a friend’s house.  It was funny. We all grew tired of laughing and staying out late to play and to watch our friends play, with all the stories and stuff.  I joined my friend in the other room [she knew the entire house, she is our friend's cousin], and I saw she was tired and all.  But she was in for some fun!  And then we heard the guys form the other room laughing.  Then, she went there to ask her cousin a pair of shorts and a shirt.

I followed her there, and I saw one [whew] picturesque scene.  Guys on their boxers.

Knowing my guy was there, also on boxers, made me felt like I’m a bit of ashamed of what I saw, but I pretended I didn’t.  I thought I liked seeing them like that.

That picture made me think that I shouldn’t go out there to converse with them.  That picture made me realized that I am a bit too conservative.  I mean, they’re guys!  They wouldn’t mind if their bods were bare!  I shouldn’t be feeling like that! Or maybe I just wasn’t used seeing guys like that.  Well, I was thinking that they were all sexy.  Maybe that was the feeling, ‘ya know.

That was cut short when my friend went out of the room to check on the guys.  I decided to go downstairs to pee.

I came in to the room where we slept, conversed with my friend, blah blah, and after she went out again to the other room, my guy came in to the room to check me up.  He asked how I was, blah blah.  It was sweet of him to do that, really.  Then he left out of the room.

I decided to go to the other room to socialize.

The scene was still the same, except that they’re not in their boxers anymore but they’re fully dressed with their outside clothes.  We were laughing, thru jokes and making funny of our friend’s little cousin.  She was hyperactive and all, and she moved too much–just normal of her age.  She kept us laughing.  She’s such a brat.

We went downstairs then.  Ate breakfast.  Talked a lot.  Laughed even more.  And prepared to go out.

I suddenly remembered that we should asked out friend to join us in our band.  He’s a guitarist, and we needed him, really.  I signaled my girl friend to ask him.  Then my guy interupted.

“We need to go home now.  I have to take Jam home.  Jam has to take a rest, too.”

Whoa. Even though I wanted to take part of the negotiation to urge our friend to join us to the band, I can sense that I would rather like my guy’s proposal.  I can sense that he wanted to spend the time with me.  So I just shut my mouth and let my guy talk it up for me.  It was like, “you know I like what you wanted, so will you just do the thing for me?”  And he’s pretty good with words.  We got out without any problem at all.

We walked out with our other friends, bade them farewell, and rode a jeepney.  It felt like a relief that we had each other again, without anybody around.  We don’t have to pretend or hide our feelings for each other.  Then he kept asking about why I acted stuborn the night before.  I kept saying it was nothing.  Whatever.  I don’t like to talk when I’m tired and sleepy.  And I don’t know how to say it.  I don’t know how to say it to him that I caught him lying and that I got jealous.  It’s because I knew he’s good with words, and I was afraid that I might lose the wordfight, so I just kept myself shut ’til we get into my place.

It was good that he was in my company at that moment.  He took care of the dirty business I left on my bed.  He tossed my clothes and bags on the other bed and lay on my bed.  I lay after him.  It was great to have him, me in his arms again.  Feeling his breath.  His natural smell.  We were so close that I can hear his pulse, rushing.  He clasped me, tight and warm.  We were heating things up.  Even though the weather wasn’t hot, we were perspiring.

I liked to look at him.  And being close to him like that was really amusing.  He amuses me.  Looking at him was delighting, I liked to touch his face, and I didn’t mind the acne, and all.  He was looking at me, too.  It felt really good.  It felt like I want him to look at me like that.  I could feel that he has that feeling, too. I could feel that he loves me, although there are doubts, whenever we are that close, all doubts vanish.  I wished that we are that close all the time so that I would not feel any doubt.

He was grasping, holding me.  The clinch was tight.  He held his face close to mine so that our noses touch each other.  We were so close that I had the urge to kiss him.

I gave him a light smack.  Then he gave a light peck.  Then we started to canoodle.  We caressed each other, with much passion and intense emotions.  This was the most romantic thing we’ve ever done.  I think this was the most romantic thing someone has ever done to me.  I think was the most romantic thing I had done, so far.  And I am eager to have more of this, or much better.

This time, we had it slow.  Light.  Gentle.  Silent.  I could feel that wanted it to be mild, like he was taking care of me.  I felt that he really cares for me.  He did disrobe me.  He nibbled my chest that felt like a sting, a tickle.  It felt so good, until we lay again, held each other and fell asleep.

This was the first time I fell asleep with him. Whenever he wakes up, I wake up, too. Things came up in my mind.  Doubts.  And I kept analyzing whether my thoughts are true or not.  An earlier memory sticked on my mind.

“I love you.” He said.
“I love you, too.” I replied.
“I love you more.” He uttered back.
“I love you so much.” I uttered back to him.
“I love you so much.” He said in a much lower voice, while he clinched me tighter.  “Please don’t leave me.”

Things like that seemed to be doubting for me, but he said that.  Straight from his lips.  Heard from his voice.  Maybe, I’m just numb.  Maybe, because of my former love, I don’t know how to distinguish real affection.  My past must have haunted me to be careful this time.  I might knew more knowledge about love and relationships, that, I don’t know now how to distinguish love at all.  Now, love is confusing, because I fell in love with the person who was confused of making the right decisions about love.  He is a Cancerian.  It may be hard to choose the right things for him.  And I am here to help him see.  I doing the best I can to make the feeling last.  We’re not committed, so I cannot say that we are now together.  Maybe I am just holding on to my feelings, that I may be still afraid to love again, that I am afraid of love and to be hurt.  But having this feeling worries me.  I am worried.  Thinking of this makes me wanna cry.

We woke up and it was afternoon already.  We were uncovered and we were sweating.  We laughed at each other.  We laughed that we were sweating, even though there was a fan!  I enjoyed that day with him.

After another 30-min session (I just estimated that), he donned and prepared himself.  He went in front of the fan and cooled himself while drinking my 1.5 Coke.  I laughed at that moment ‘coz he looked so tired and thirsty.  I went to him and covered his bare back with a towel, and kept talking like a mom, saying “Cover your back, you shouldn’t go to the fan while you’re sweating.  You might get Pnemonia or something.”  And I thought it was kinda sweet.  I knew he felt that, too.

I do everything I can, maiwasan lang ang kantang ‘ yun.  Thunder.  Kahit saan ako pumunta, pinapatugtog ‘yun sa mga sasakyan, cell phone at mp3 nila.  Iwas na iwas ako dun.  Allergic.  Sensitive. Averse. Nagpapaalala lang ‘yun ng mga pagkakamaling nagawa ko.  Mga pagkakamali na hanggang ngayon ay gumuguhit pa rin sa alaala ko.  ‘Yung pagkakamaling nagmahal ako sa taong hindi naman pala ako kayang ipagtanggol–hindi niya pala kayang ipagtanggol ang pag-ibig namin.  Siya pa nag-sabi, “Hayaan mo lang kung ano pa ang sabihin nila tungkol sa’tin.  Nuthin’ cud break us. =)” May kasama pang smiley ‘yun ah!  Samantalang siya ang nakipag-break naman sa’kin.  Ang galing niya ‘no?

—

Hay salamat.  Nakakasulat na ako ng blog.  Nawala na naman ang interes ko sa pagsulat (or pag-type) ng blog eh.  Nawala na rin ‘yung kagustuhan kong magsulat.  Mag-text.  Mag-internet  Mag-drowing. Mag-edit ng pictures. Magpa-picture sa camera. Lumabas ng bahay.  Maglinis ng kwarto.  Kumain. Maligo. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

—

Na-miss ko na siya.  Hay, kailan kaya next na pagkikita namin?  Hay, gusto ko kapag magkita kami, ‘yung kami lang dalawa.  Alam ko gusto niya din ‘yun eh.  Tapos ang sweet namin ‘pag ganun.  Lambingan. Kulitan.  Sandal naman ako sa balikat ni ano.  O siya sasandal sa balikat ko.  O kaya magkayakap kami tapos hinahaplos ko likod niya.  Oo, ‘yung likod nga niya ‘yung paborito ko.  Ang lapad eh.  Tapos nakikita ko ‘yung mga ‘curves’ ng likod niya.  ‘Yun iyong masarap haplusin.  ‘Yung naiisip mo na kaya kang buhatin ng balikat niya.  Imagine lang ba.  Kahit noon eh nabuhat nga niya ako.  Sabi niya hindi daw ako mabigat.  Wooh, what a relief! Ibig sabihin kaya ako protektahan nitong lalaking ‘to.  ‘Yung tipong sa mga fairy tales na ise-save niya ako… “He’ll take me away to paradise!” Oh, bongga!  Libre lang mangarap, di ba?

—

Hmmm.. Nag-internet ako one time, tapos may limewire.  Sabi ko, magda-download ako.  Kaso nalimutan ko ‘yung mga kailangan ko i-download.  Eto ang alin sa kanila:

1)   anything from Pupil.
2)   anything from Sandwich
3)   anything from Giniling Festival
4)   Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake
5)   One of the Boys by Katy Perry
6)   anything from Eraserheads
7)   Chinese Demoracy by Guns and Roses
8)   Shapeshifter by Taken By Cars
9)   Six Feet Under the Stars by All Time Low
10) Coming Around by Metro Station

Instead, nag-download ako ng songs from The Hush Sound, Select Start, All Time Low, The Maine, Death Cab for Cutie, Green Day, The Ting Tings, Muse, Robert Pattinson, and Pussycat Dolls.  Bongga pa rin!  Wala pa akong copy ng mag ‘to eh.

—

Nakakakaasar.  Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ako libro sa Pol. Science namin. Arghh.  P400 ang isang book, na naubusan ng stock.

—

January 20, 2009.  May nakakatakot akong iniisip.   Hindi kaya…  Hindi maaari eh.  Hindi na pwede…

Eh paano kung…  Hindi pwede.  May mahal na akong iba.

hmmm..

Posible ba ‘yun na in-love pa din ako ako dun?? >[

Naaasar ako sa sarili ko.  Gusto ko na ibaon 'yung pagmamahal na 'yun eh.  Posible kaya?

Nanaginip ako, ang weird.  Wala ito kauganayan sa past ko o sa present ko pero apektado 'yung nararamdaman ko nung araw na 'yun.  Ang weird talaga.  Pag-gising ko, nag naiisip ko, si past.

Weeeeiiiiiiirrrddddd talaga.  Sinasapian ata ako ng dating Jamie na kilala ko.  Sh*t f*ck.

Iba naman kasi ang "I'm in-love with you" sa "I love you".  To be honest, mahal ko pa 'yung tao eh, kaso tanggap ko nang wala na eh.

Hindi naman siguro.   Paranoid lang siguro ako.  O baka nang-iintriga lang ako..

---

Wow.  This past Christmas season, wala ako natanggap na regalo galing sa kanino man (maliban lang sa aginaldo ng erents ko).  Pero ako nagbigay sa mga tao.  Wow talaga.  Nung January ko na lang na-realize.  May nagtanong nga sa'kin noong New Year eh, isang kakilala na pumuporma din sa'kin.   Nagtanong kung kamusta daw 'yung Xmas ko.  Sabi ko, ok lang.  Ang sabi niya, "Did u get any gifts?"  Sabi ko, wala.  Reply niya, "how sad."  Sabay banat pang pambola na, "You should have told me.  I can make your Christmas special."  Whatever ah.

---

[to be continued]

I don’t know if it’s just me or I am really right of what i feel.  I just talked with a high school stud and found it difficult to communicate, with, high school studs.  What does it mean??  Is it because that I am in a higher year?? Or is it just that I am mature already or going to maturation?? Wah, it’s too early!! (:

ayoko naaaaa!!

tino-torture nila ako… especially c.. <*toot*>

ayoko xiang awayin.. ayoko din SILANG ayawin.. hindi ako ganun.. anu gagawin ko??

wahhhh…

ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

bkit ganun na lng? puro <*toot*> n lng nsa icp ku..

bad un ah..

kaw kc eh..

yaya k nang yaya..

ahem

Nakakaasar ka na ah.  Nang-iinsulto ka ba?  O baka busy ka lang.  Alam kong wala na akong karapatan pero asar eh.  Feeling ko palusot mo lang ‘yun.  Palusot ka lang nang palusot.  Totoo bang busy ka lang?  Ano na naman ang sasabihin mo? Ayokong magsinungaling ka sa’kin dahil hindi kita minsan man niloko.  Alam ko, pinagtataguan mo ako.  Alam ko.  Iyon ang pakiramdam ko.  Insulto.  Insulto sa part ko.  O baka ayaw mo lang na may koneksyon ka sa’kin kasi, baka meron ka na.  Ok lang sana, kaso bakit ganun?  Kelangan mo pang gawin ‘yon?  Para makasakit?  Nasasaktan ako.  Alam mo namang emosyonal akong tao.  Sa sobrang emotional, eh, naglaslas ako.  Pero nakaraan na ‘yon.  Ayoko na rin maalala.  Kaya nga, gusto ko may koneksyon pa rin tayo.  Para masaya.  Para maramdaman ko man lang na parang wala lang ang lahat.  Pero sa halip, nasasaktan ako kasi sa pakiramdam na lumalayo ka na sa’kin, na hindi na ako ganung kaimportante sa buhay mo, na ayaw mo maalala ang lahat.  Ok lang sana ‘yun, kaso mali ang paraan mo.  Hindi rin kita masisi.  Baka nabulag ka na rin.  Niya. Nila.  Ng mga bagay na nasa palibot mo.  Ng panahon.  Ng oras.  Alam kong wala na ako pero.. Pero..

Magparamdam ka! Hmf.  Tampo na ako.  Huhuhuhuhuhu T_T

I care and I miss you, so much. I wish the things were the same, like before.

Now you would not talk to me anymore. 

I know, times have changed. 

Things have gotten worse. But some things have gotten better. 

I hope you feel better now. 

Even though that I could not resist of looking at your photos, I know this separation will make you better, and after a long time, months of separation, I still feel the same. 

The feelings towards you haven’t changed. 

I have been meeting other people.  People, who are completely different from you. 

I know you are meeting others too.  Others, who are much better than me. 

But everyday, I have been thinking, that I would rather spend the time with you. 

And everyday, my feelings got worse. Worse, in the sense that I experience pain even though I know you are doing fine.  Even though..

Even though, I know that everything will be fine and everyone’s been moving on and so did you and so did..

I know.  I should stop all this drama.  I should stop this drama!

The pain lingers on if I am the only one who does the drama. 

Drama.  Drama!! 

I am hurting because I keep on doing this. 

I know.  Sounds weird. 

You told to stop loving you, because it would hurt so much.   And it does.  It still does. 

But I can’t stop loving you.   I can’t.  I tried, but nothing seems to work out.  Nothing. 

I played along, with others, hoping that this would carry the pain and misery away, but it didn’t. 

It just didn’t. 

And now, I am still sticking to what I did say, I will be here no matter what.  I’ll be staying, even though you don’t want me anymore. 

This is the only way to cope up. 

I can’t be just any man’s comfort. 

I am not like them.  I am not like her. 

This is the only way I can do. 

The only way is not to fight the feeling, but to get along with it. 

I need you to help me to get through with this.

All I can say is, I love you.  I care.  I miss you so much.