Saturday, February 09, 2008
11:27 AM
I just finished my other blog. I lied down, staring in vast space. He was sending me messages. Through his messages, I have learned something. I realized that I am too selfish to commit or even, contemplate suicide. It was kinda pointless actually but I just heard my conscience fighting for what it is best.
Yes, it would be selfish to kill myself. I was thinking this question: if I die, what would you do? Would my death affect you? What would you feel? Things like that come to my mind every time.
My conscience was telling me that other people are into bad situations but continue to live because that’s their lives. “Others are living without enough money but instead of killing themselves, they work. They work because they have to. If you die, do you think he will be able to be strong to face his own challenges? It would be hard for him, knowing that YOU AREN’T alive to make his dreams come true.”
I didn’t know what to think. I was too confused of everything. I was too lost to begin another meaningful life. The life that I am living was a pathetic life.
I didn’t think he will grieve over me. But I did think that I am selfish. I was just thinking of myself. I was thinking of the pain that I was feeling. Suddenly I became optimistic once again. I wanted to die but I will not, because I wanted to be strong for him.
I never thought that his strength came from me. He never told me such things. He never told me I was his life, whatsoever, blah blah blah. All I know is that, he was my life but, have I told him that? No. I guess we were just feeling the same.
I was running out of thoughts. I suddenly became blank.
—
I removed my clothes. I changed and slipped into a little black dress that I usually use when I am going to bed [it’s almost lunchtime already]. I just felt something strange or different.
There was something in my breast. I became alarmed.
~j
