Unsent Letter No.4

July 10, 2011

Sunday , 1:31 PM

Beloved,

                How are you now? Yesterday marked our breakup’s month-anniversary, and I wonder how you have been. You don’t talk to me anymore. I didn’t receive any messages from you, And, I think I already know why it is so…

Yesterday, I read her tweet, saying that you have spent you time together just last Friday. She said that you have told her that she is the only girl you have planned future with, “that long and that deep.” I can’t help but to wonder how fast you recovered from ‘us’. It scares me to death, to think that you are now this far with her. It seems like you have forgotten those two years we had together. It seems like you have already forgotten about ‘me’.

I know this hurts. I know, because I can feel the whole of me shaking. Maybe, it is because the pain radiates all though me. But still, I feel strong.  I feel not giving up. I’m not giving up because I still have something to give. I still have something to hold on. I still feel you.

Just like the last letter I wrote to you, I’m telling you that crying isn’t going to help. I’ll keep these eyes dry for you. Because, I know you don’t want to see me crying. Even though you are now distant, I know, deep inside,  you still care. I hope you’ll still care for me ‘til the end.

I have already made a decision. I have already made a commitment, to love you regardless of the lack of affection that we once had for each other. A commitment, that no matter what happens, whether you’ll come back or not, I’ll care for you unconditionally. Even if it hurts to let you be with someone else, I’ll accept it. It’s going to be hard, but I have made up my mind. If the time come wherein you’ve decided that you want to be with her forever, instead of being with me, I have to admit that I have lost the fight. But ‘til that day comes, we cannot be sure. For now, I’ll settle for the wait. Until that day, I’ll be waiting.

I still continue to pray to the Lord to make everything alright. I guess everything will be alright. He knows my deepest hopes and wishes I just keep my faith in Him.

I also pray that someday, you’ll know to decide for what is right, and to know your boundaries. I always pray for your safety. I also pray that you’ll learn from everything that has happened. Because, I have learned so much.

You will always be my beloved. You will be always be here within me. You are now my life.

- Jam Licupa

Unsent Letter No.3

June 29, 2011

Beloved,

I don’t know how many days it has been. I don’t want to count them. It gets me depressed to think that you left me. I can’t imagine this life—this life without you. I can’t even imagine that we are now emotionally detached. Yes, we are friends. But this is not what I want. We are not the way we were before. It kills me to think about that. It kills me to think you are in love with someone else. I cannot blame you for that.

I miss the times that we were happy together. I miss the way we were. I miss you, in general. I miss you, the whole of you, the totality of you; I realized that life without you is like an empty room. Blank. Empty. Spaced. I realized that I need you, not because I need something from you, but because I love you. I love you so much.

I cannot blame you for loving someone else right now. I cannot. I blame myself for not seeing and listening and feeling the things you need and want. I am such a fool. For loving you so much, I can call myself like that. And after so many things that’s said and done, I still love you. People said I am foolish. I am a fool for loving someone like you.

It doesn’t help crying. It doesn’t help moving on. Because every time I try, I get hurt. All I can do right now is to do the things I have to do for my life. At the same time, I can love you and adore you without showing you. I’ll continue to write letters meant to be ‘unsent’. Maybe they’re meant to be like that. These letters will be proof of a distant love you left. Someday, I know you’ll read these letters. Maybe in time, you’ll know what I’ve been going through.

I still have hope. I still have faith. Yet, I don’t have the courage to make it happen. I feel that this isn’t the right time. I pray to God to make me strong. As they say, good things come for those who wait. I will make it through.

Someday, something will happen. I just hope it will be you and I, again.

I don’t know if I can wait too long. Seeing and feeling that you are now distant from me hurts. Still, after all these feelings, I will continue to love you. I don’t know until when. I just know that I want to love you forever. Maybe, I will. Maybe.

I will hold on to this feeling. I will. Even if this hurts. Even if it tears me inside. Even if you don’t return. It is because, like that Incubus song, without love I won’t survive. Yes, love hurts. Holding on to this distant love hurts, but this keeps me going on. This keeps me alive. You and the idea of loving you, keeps me alive.

I want to keep these eyes dry for you, even though it is hard to hide these tears. I want to be strong. I want to hold on.

I love you, more than I can say.

Jam Licupa

Unsent Letter No.2

June 25, 2011

8:25 AM

Beloved,

I woke up this morning with a strange feeling. I dreamt of you once again and it started to get me worried.  I miss you dear, more than I can tell you. It’s killing me.  The distance seems terrible.

I’m longing for you. I’m longing for your love. I’m longing for those times you also call me ‘Love’. I know this is the part wherein I realized that “my heart is sturdy but I need you to survive.” You are everything to me.

I just woke up in a dream where in someone had to cut my left wrist open, allowing me to bleed. The cut was deep and severe that it numbed the whole limb. Strangely, I woke up realizing that the dream is a reflection of my current situation. I AM BLEEDING. I am bleeding for you, I know how strangely emotional that sounds to you, but I am.  I am wounded, deeply wounded, that it no longer hurt that much. It feels cold, numb, EMPTY. It feels empty without you. Life is nothing without you.

I try to do other things, distracting myself. But no matter what, everything I do leads to you. I miss you. I wonder if you miss me too.

I love you a million times. Maybe, I love you more than that.

                                                                                                   -Jam L.

It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life, then the next day you wonder how you lived without them.

This is a letter I wrote to him (too bad he didn’t read this)

Beloved,

 

I can’t help but to think that we were meant to see each other that very August. Back then, we were both strangers. It’s crazy to think that strangers meet just to be in love. The truth is: I never thought of falling in love with you. I never thought I will be in love with a stranger.

I remember that dark and lonely night. It was at a gig. We met while Incident Report was rocking the crowd. There you were. You chose to talk to me, a stranger. You were making an impression. And yes, you did. You did because you became the most wonderful person I have ever been with ever since that day. You became my life.

Remembering all those time makes me think that we have gone far. But this doesn’t mean we should stop. I want this to last forever. Actually, I don’t want this to last. And I’ll tell you this–Without you, life is meaningless.

This just means that I love you. I love you so much. It’s been two years and six months ever since that day. I can still remember how magical and strange that August night was.

And I can’t wait for March. March is sweet. I remember it was the 31st of March you asked me those words: “Will you be my girlfriend?” It was what I was waiting for. All those months I have been enduring, all those months of waiting really paid off.

Now, I don’t know how to end this letter. I just wanted you to know how I feel, that after all those years, I still here loving you, supporting you, waiting for you.

I love you.

 

-J.L.

February 28, 2011

 

Love gone and beyond.

No matter what I do, I’ll always love you. No matter how I try to hide these emotions… no matter how much I try to divert my attention from you… no matter how I keep myself from loving you… It’s no use. It all comes back to the one who I care the most. It’s you. My heart is screaming for you. I am yearning for you. For now, I have to keep myself busy. I have to prove myself that I am worthy. I have to be strong and patient for the right time. You can call me a hopeless romantic, or corny, or desperate, but I love you, more than I could say. And I’ll be waiting, patiently waiting, for you. You are the one.

I can’t dream anymore since you left.

The Cold

It was a cold and rainy day. It had been raining so long. I watched the drops fall from the sky as if the sky has plenty of them. The drops, as it seem, broke into little droplets, fell into ripples on nearby puddles. I watched this view fade away as mist covered the window glass. Alas, I am free, I said.

It wasn’t easy to accept, that a man you love for so long, didn’t want you anymore. After all that has happened, he claimed that he loves you (or loved you, so to speak) but he needs his ‘time’ for other stuff that did revolve around you both—work, family, and learning about yourselves. But it was unbearable that you found out that aside from you, he loved (or loves) another.

It was a cold and rainy day. The rain had always reminded me of him. Whenever it’s cold, I imagined his arms wrapped around me, as he would always say, “let’s share each other’s heat”. Now, that it reminded me of the times I couldn’t stop thinking why we shouldn’t be together. Questions answered ran through my head every downpour. The downpour, or the feeling of it, reminded me of him.

I was tired of thinking. It wasn’t that I was tired of thinking of him, but I was tired of the pain it brings whenever he is in my mind. He IS on every corner of it. And I couldn’t just tell my head to take a rest. I knew it will make the thinking worse.

I kneeled on my bedside, leaning forward, grasping my hands as if I am a knight paying homage to an overlord. I prayed. I prayed hard. I prayed for a lot of things; I asked forgiveness, sought guidance, and wished for other people’s blessings. I asked for three basic things for myself: strength, guidance, and patience. STRENGTH, for me to be strong in handling my emotions. GUIDANCE, for me to be guided in walking through the right path. PATIENCE, for me to wait for the right time and right situation in everything that I do. Then, knowing that He works in mysterious ways, the Lord numbed my pain away.  It was remarkable how He understood me and knew what I was seeking deep in my heart. My mind was cleared, and I felt inspired to write. I knew the things I was asking for wasn’t done yet, but I felt it was already answered. I felt His divine intervention.

Right now, I planned to do what I have to do. I planned on focusing the things I should be starting. I planned on doing what is best. If he is for me, then God will let me know.

Diary of the Hopeful

April 4, 2011
2:13 AM
(This was scribbled on a notebook.)

It’s been a week now since that day.

I’ve been doing a lot lately, trying to distract myself from thinking about him. I know we need this time, to give each other space. We have to know ourselves better so we can love each other the best. I’ve been doing fine, except that I can’t keep myself from missing him.

Remembering that day hurts me more than I can bear. What hurts the most is that I am the reason why we have to take it a break. My immaturity took the toll in our relationship. He said I was selfish. I was proud. I was too much for him to handle, so no matter how much we love each other, we have to let go. He said it would be a while. He said I would have to change.

And so now, I am here miles away from home, in the cold mountains, I am thinking of him. I miss him. I think of what he’s been doing and how it is now. I wonder if he thinks of me too, or if I am already a blur to him. I am tempted to talk to him or to leave him a message, but I ought not to. I am trying to prove that I can be strong, because he wants me to be. But the more I think about it, the more I get paranoid about waiting for him to return. I don’t like to wait. I have been traumatized by the last relationship that I have been, wherein I waited for nothing. This time, I’m starting to lose hop for him to come back to me. I am also afraid that he will eventually decide to not continue the relationship and the love we had for more than two years. These worries keep me from hanging on. Despite that, I know I have to wait. I have to be strong. And I have to change for the better.

It hurts now to think that I have to keep these emotions. I am not able to express what I would want to say to him because I feel like I don’t have the right. I just pray and let God guide me in finding what is right and in easing the pain. I just hope that one day, it will all be better.

The next couple of months won’t be easy. I do not know what the future may bring. All I know is that I’ll be thinking of him always.

I miss him. I love him so much, and I am willing to wait.

…

…

…And so last night I was crying and all, but I remembered to pray, so I did. The sadness suddenly went away and I can’t feel the pain. Sorry for suddenly becoming religious, but it worked.