I hate you, but I love you.

I’d rather write how pissed off I am than to say it in front of your face. There’s something in you that make me not say the things I should. I don’t want you to get hurt. But I can’t express myself to you. So I’d rather keep these things to myself. I hate you, but I love you so much.

I hate having serious talks with you, ’cause I know you won’t understand me or you’ll make the conversation favorable to you. That makes me pissed off. But I still love you. But it’s always hurting me.

I don’t equate hate with anger. I’m not angry with you. It’s just that it’s awful how we turned out to be. We’re like oil and water, like in that Incubus song, we’re trying so hard to mix together. But we can’t.

Right now, it tears my heart to write this. I know you won’t read this. That also pisses me off.

Arghh.

LookBook Entry No.1 – I’m In A House Party, Baby

via LOOKBOOK.nu: “I’m Invited in a House Party, Baby” by Jamie L.

LookBook Entry No.2 – Checkered_lovestory

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via Grlfrndz by Sm Dept. Store Red and Black Checkered Button-down Shirt, Dakar Black Mini-pouch with Strap from Bargain Shops, Spring Red and Black Checkered Hi-cut Sneakers from My Mom, Gifted, Kiki’s Closet Red-eyed Silver Owl Pendant // “Checkered_Lovestory” by Jamie L // LOOKBOOK.nu.

My LookBook account. :)

I just got a LookBook account, a site where creative fashion is entertained. Please help me promote my site. Visit at http://lookbook.nu/jamielovin. <3

A letter.

To You.

I love you so much. I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy.  For 10 long months we’ve been together, it was such a bliss but a painful struggle between two lovers.  We laugh. We cry. We smile. We stern. For every emotion that we had, we shared it together. Yes, together.

I don’t know why I love you so much. I don’t know why I started loving you after all.

I’m so happy that we made this long. But I don’t know why I’m crying while writing this down.  This is the part when I realized that we’re not yet done. We’re just getting started.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m happy to be with you, but I have this pain. It hurts all along. I don’t know if you’ve hurt too.

I try everything to change this feeling. I try to work us out. When times are hopeless between us, I feel like breaking down. Sometimes it seems worthless to stay in this relationship. At times, I feel the urge to break us up. To tear the walls that keep us together. But I fear I won’t make it. That I can’t spend the day thinking that you’re not going to be there beside me. That there’s no one to hold hands to. That there’s nobody for me to say “I love you” ‘coz you’re not there. And it hurts just thinking about those. It hurts just thinking about those.

You mean the world to me, that’s why I didn’t let go.

Whether you’re going to read this or not, I just want the world to know that you gave me hope to carry on, and even if I’m not as happy as I was with my first love, I always wanted you to be my last.  And I love you.

Signing on a tear-stained paper and with a new Gtec pen,

Me.

She is a Music Lover

She listens to music. The music is her.

Her life flows through the earphones.

She is her own lover.

Sa kailaliman ng Tagalog ay nahawa ako kay Bob Ong.

Nawawalan na ako ng loob.  Ng pag-asa. Parang ayoko nang lumaban. Kasi alam ko nang matatalo ako.  Para na akong masisiraan ng baet.  Na konti na lang ay magkakaroon na ako ng tililing. Lahat ng problema ay lumalala dahil sa kapapabayaan ko. Ako ang may kasalanan. Alam ko na may kapalit.

 Wala na akong pakialam.  Kung sira na ako ngayon, itotodo ko na.  Hindi na ako nag-iisip sa mga desisyon ko.  Kailan lang, nagdesisyon akong makipagkalas sa kaibigan ko. Iba na ako ngayon. Suave na.

Nararamdaman kong malapit na akong umalis.  Wala na nga akong pakialam. Mawawala rin naman na ako. Bigla.

Magdalene.

I saw him leaving my room, smiling, perhaps feeling joy or contentment.  He rushed out, although he was not in a hurry.  In a blink of an eye, he was gone.  I half-ran towards my room, and as I saw my reflection on the mirror, I can still smell his hair down there.  It reminds me of what we have done, and how he looked like moaning in passion.  I closed my eyes, remembering every detail of our passionate encounter that day, and I will continue to daydream the same memory, ’til I got over that.  I wondered if he really liked it, or maybe he was faking.  I am always ready to give it up to him, although I know it is hard to invest feelings towards somebody. Then, I started wondering if he is feeling the way I felt.  Or maybe he just wanted to get laid? But why would he have to come to me to share his sensuality? With all those cold nights, why would he come to me? I can feel him, we are melting together in heat, our breath shared in the same kiss, and our bodies intertwine. His skin pressed against mine and I am licking his lips and I don’t mind. Now, do not say he doesn’t feel the same as I do.  Because that could burn my heart.

With my feelings heightening and my heart pumping out of my chest, I started to talk to myself in the mirror.

“Yes, I am a whore, who is in love with the same man for years now. He is my only client.”

This should be my line. :))

Yes! I am LAZY! But I’m the LAZIEST BUM in the whole world!”

[whatever. ;)]

Love through the old files

052409-2220.  I just went through my old files and found out one of our conversations just before he met her.  And I don’t know how I felt after.  Those were the days. We were okay, then.  We talked a lot.  Before, we can talk, and still smile and laugh, and it was as if nothing happened.  It was as if nothing broken.  I can say that we really accepted US being friends.  And it felt that we have the urges to talk to each other after everything that has happened.  It felt that there will still be tomorrow, and we just have to wait.  It felt that the thing we have on each other never faded.

That was before.

Everything ended after he met her.  I guess I was left behind.  He moved on that easily.  And I had to, too.  She was always there.  She’s just couple of kilometers from where he is.  I was never near him.  And I guess that was the reason why he forgot me that easily.

I already moved on.  I also got my own.    But after reading our converation, I was thinking that what we had on us was wasted.  We should have developed it, but instead we didn’t.  Everything’s over now. We seldom communicate.  And there’s a feeling of hostility now everytime I talk to him.  And I know deep inside him, he was to get me out of the picture.  NEVER TO BOTHER HIM AGAIN.  I know it.  I can feel it. And she tells me that.

I don’t know why I’m feeling distraught. All I’m asking is to be friends.  I’m not asking him to give back his life to me again.  That’s shit.

Okay, we can pretend that we never met. But please do me a favor.  Don’t lose her.  Thank you very much.